I hate spiders. Go figure. I don’t scream when I see one, I narrow in on it and crush it with whatever I have in my reach. DIE SPIDER DIE. Sometimes when the spider is small enough I just smash it with my fingers. Here are some of my spider tales.

Once when I was in 8th grade, the teacher was beginning to dismiss the class. YAY. My table was always the last one chosen to line up at the door for whatever reason and the other people in class would stand next to it in line because, ironically, my table was right next to the door. Everyone was trying to be as quiet as can be so we could leave. I got bored of paying attention to the teacher so I look over at my backpack and ASDFGHJKL off of its awesome flap thing was a spider, about as big as my pinky nail, spinning a web off of it.I say “Oh a spider” and then crush it between my fingers, rubbing them together really thoroughly to make sure it DIES like it’s supposed to. When I’m finished with my murder victim, I look back over toward the line and see one of the girls I know right next to me gaping in utter shock.
SPIDER DIE
“What is it?” I say and she goes “I don’t know” and then the teacher dismisses everyone and my table can finally leave. I guess what I did was cool because she told everyone about it and they would come up to me saying “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT ALEX!!!” and people I didn’t know would say “Hey! You’re the girl that killed that big spider with her fingers!” Apparently, killing spiders with your bare fingers is a great ice breaker for meeting new people.

TALE #2

I have to blow dry my hair straight because if I don’t it looks like I have a perm, so I’m blow drying all innocent like. I’m wearing a camie because the air gets really hot with the blow dryer on and I get one of those itches on my back that are usually caused by a hair that has fallen out. At this time I had hair above my shoulders so if I turned around slightly, I could see my back, and I needed to see my back because no matter how hard I tried to grab that hair it always seemed to move. Seriously, with how much spiders seem to love me I should have seen what was coming. As I turn around I see what is happening. BIG GIANT SPIDER MUST DIE. Really, it was about 2 times bigger than the one at school from the tale above. At first I just stay still looking at it wondering how I’m going to KILL it without it biting me, which it miraculously hasn’t so yet. My hands couldn’t reach it BUT I did have a blow dryer begging me for some SPIDER MURDER ACTION and I decide it’s go time! I flick the blow dryer back on and HAZAH! It is blown away off my back. The only part that didn’t get to happen was I NEVER GOT TO KILL IT and it was never seen again. Stupid spider, I hate you.

TALE #3

This one is more like a series of unfortunate events for me, because the last two spider tales happened in two other completely different places that I lived. This is about where I am currently residing, unfortunately. You see, in the apartment my family and I are living in I have the master bedroom and my own bathroom and my Mom and bros. share the other bedroom and the guest bathroom. At least once a month something to do with a huge spider happens. BUT ONLY IN MY BATHROOM OR BEDROOM NO ONE ELSE’S. What’s worse is they’re all black widows (males so far luckily) and violin spiders. These suckers are GIANT and UGLY. They go on my walls, my mirror, my bed, and even my towel! MY TOWEL!!! I’m so scared that I have to shake out my towel everyday before I take a shower or use it to dry my hands after washing! The most recent fiend, which was this morning, appeared on my toilet seat! Luckily I always check around my toilet before going to the bathroom too, but still! I swear these things are out to get me. At least we’re moving again in June. (\*u*/)

TALE #4

Actually #4 isn’t about spiders, it’s about bees and wasps. Ever since I was a wee lass I would get bees and wasps attracted to my hair. In 4th grade one even flew into the classroom just to land on my head. These things are just as bad as spiders. CONSTANT HARASSMENT TO ME. I can’t even walk the dogs without having to be vigilant IT’S THAT BAD. When I was 4 a bee also flew up my nose. It kept stinging and stinging and it hurt real bad and I had to pinch my nose really tight so that it would DIE. In high school we always had to eat lunch outside and wasps had no problem finding me there. I actually got hit in the head once with a book out of the blue by one of the people I knew because I guess there was a wasp on my head that no one told me about yet and she was the type of person to do that kind of thing. Nature is abusive. Trust me.

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